* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* A snail can sleep for three yeas.
* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
* Cat’s urine glows under a black light. (So does Ringworm.)
* China has more English speakers than the United States.
* Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
MURPHY’S TECHNOLOGY LAWS
(Steve Stevenson)
1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
4. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
5. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.
6. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
7. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
8. All’s well that ends...period.
9. A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
10. The first myth of management is that it exists.
11. A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
12. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
13. We don’t know one-millionth of one percent about anything.
14. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
15. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
16. New systems generate new problems.
IMPORTANT THINGS LEARNED FROM KIDS
· It’s more fun to color outside the lines.
· If you’re gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
· Ask why until you understand.
· Hang on tight.
· Even if you’ve been fishing for 3 hours and haven’t gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you’re still better off than the worm.
· Make up the rules as you go along.
· It doesn’t matter who started it.
· Ask for sprinkles.
· If the horse you’re drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
· Save a place in line for your friends.
· Sometimes you have to take the test before you’ve finished studying.
· If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
· Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
· Making your bed is a waste of time.
· There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
· Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
· You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
· You can’t ask to start over just because you’re losing the game.
Personally, the computer world has instilled in me distrust of any e-mails not sent by my family members. And, even then I question why someone in my family wishes to sell me a “vision of the unknown”! I distrust the person on the other end of the conversation over the telephone. The person sounds like Uncle Louie, but who really knows?
Any dealings I have personally with the computer reinforces my feelings of inadequacies dealing with the modern world. I know “they” say the computer makes life easier. Really? For whom? It points out to me that I know nothing of any substance outside of my four walls.
Everything nowadays requires some computer literacy. How many times when dealing with the doctor’s and dentist’s offices are you asked to go on line and book your appointment? Check on the status of your prescriptions? Find out where the doctor’s offices are? It takes an average of three phone calls to do what one used to do.
I will give you one example of the perplexities of human connections: Needed to make reservations for a driver’s license renewal. You know—the good ole DMV. Also needed were husband’s appointment to change the registration on the car and a new I.D. necessary to fly if you don’t wish to pack your passport around with you. All of this could be started online, except the DMV home page wasn’t working. Took to the phone.
Well, I got my license renewal appointment. Found out that I could renew by mail, but perhaps not enough time for the paperwork to go out and come back. Oops. And then found out that hubby needed TWO appointments. One to change registration and one to apply for a new I.D. Yes, obviously they didn’t have a person who could multi-task. And, of course, we needed another item to change registration—pink slip. Another trip will be required. Why don’t they ever tell you what to bring with you? Sadistic?
TOP BUMPER STICKERS SEEN
AROUND THE WORLD
1. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
2. The Earth Is Full—Go Home.
3. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
4. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
5. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
6. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
7. Honk If Anything Falls Off
8. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
9. I Do Whatever My Rice KrispiesTell MeTo
10. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
11. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
12. It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
13. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
14. Boldly Going Nowhere
ONE LINERS FOR TODAY
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
6. Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
7. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
9. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
11. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
13. Why do “over look” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
14. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
19. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
20. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
21. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
22. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
23. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
24. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
25. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
26. If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
27. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?