Why are boxing rings square?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies
wake up, like, every two hours?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know
there is not enough?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
What level of importance must a person have before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
AN “OH, MY” JOKE
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He
thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he
notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the
back—wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says
to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies,
“you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed
limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower that the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit
The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to
her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her
error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask...Is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a
single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got
off Route 119.”
* Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver
* Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
* Every dog in my house is required by law to take a bath once a
* Coca-Cola was originally green.
* Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
TAKE HIM BACK
My ex-husband and I fought constantly, why I married him, I’ll
never know. For all those miserable years, I said hubby has to go!
Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes, salting his pork
chops with lime. Wiring his chair, igniting his hair, even though playing
with fire is a crime.
But I failed at each plot ‘til I suddenly thought of a way that
would set me free! I got rid of him for good, and know what? They
couldn’t do a thing to me!
I took him back to WalMart! They’ll take anything back you
know! They said they couldn’t recall selling him, but they must have if I
They just credited him to my Visa and said, “Ya’ll come back now,
ya hear?” They were so nice, polite, pleasant, and insistent, I took his
mother back the next year!
They take anything back at WalMart, even if it’s broken, rotten or
sweet. And know what else? This time of year you don’t even need a
You might be old if...
hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work anyway.
gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
feel like you really hung one on the night before, and you were in bed asleep
get winded playing chess.
children begin to look middle-aged.
join a health club and don’t go.
begin to outlive enthusiasm.
mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
look forward to a dull evening.
sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
knees buckle and your belt won’t.
17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
stop looking forward to your next birthday.
long distance wears you out.