Middletown Senior Center

21256 Washington Street
Post Office Box 1037

Middletown, California 95461

Phone: (707) 987-3113

Fax: (707) 987-3114

msrc01@att.net


A Few Laughs

 

WHY??

Why are boxing rings square?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
What level of importance must a person have before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?


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AN “OH, MY” JOKE

 

     Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.  He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—wide eyed and white as ghosts.  The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?”  “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”  

 

     “Slower that the speed limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.  

 

     The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.  A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.  “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.

 “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Route 119.”


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DID-YOU-KNOW FACTS:

 

*  Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.

*  No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

*  Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

*  Every dog in my house is required by law to take a bath once a year.

*  Coca-Cola was originally green.

*  Barbie’s measurements if she were life size:  39-23-33


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TAKE HIM BACK

 

My ex-husband and I fought constantly, why I married him, I’ll never know.  For all those miserable years, I said hubby has to go!

 

Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes, salting his pork chops with lime.  Wiring his chair, igniting his hair, even though playing with fire is a crime.

 

But I failed at each plot ‘til I suddenly thought of a way that would set me free!  I got rid of him for good, and know what?  They couldn’t do a thing to me!

 

I took him back to WalMart!  They’ll take anything back you know!  They said they couldn’t recall selling him, but they must have if I said so.

 

They just credited him to my Visa and said, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?”  They were so nice, polite, pleasant, and insistent, I took his mother back the next year!

 

They take anything back at WalMart, even if it’s broken, rotten or sweet.  And know what else?  This time of year you don’t even need a receipt!


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You might be old if...

Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work anyway.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like you really hung one on the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You join a health club and don’t go.

You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.

You’re 17 around the neck and 42 around the  waist.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Dialing long distance wears you out.